Category: Humor

Margaret and Helen’s Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2009

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A very funny posting, by two of the funniest ladies in Blogging. I don’t care of they are liberals. The writing is just absolutely hilarious. Check out their blog too; it’s a great read.

Dear Family,

This year I am thankful to have you as my family rather than a normal American family. I say that because Sarah Palin is fond of talking about her family being a normal American family.

Last time I checked everyone in my family knows where Africa is on a globe. Everyone goes to college after high school. We’ve had no teen pregnancies as of yet and no one has appeared in Playgirl. If the Palins are a normal American family, I guess my bunch of anti-American socialists are fine by me.

But we have our own issues. For instance, some of us are Aggies and others are Longhorns. Which makes for interesting choices for some of you. If a football game is more important than Thanksgiving, then consider this my last will and testament: When I die, it’s all going to charity.

Thanksgiving dinner will be moved to Friday after all of you have returned from your important tailgating party. And now that I have made that little sacrifice, I am sure you will all work extra hard to comply with a few rules.

1. Cloe. I am begging you honey. None of that Jello crap. No one eats it and the garbage stinks for a week after I throw it out. You and Jello are like Palin and McCain. How many times before you learn no one wants seconds much less firsts.

2. Jennifer. Your children are cute. We all can agree on that. Your husband’s video camera capturing every runny nose and bowel movement– not so much. Keep this up honey and you’ll have one posing for Playgirl before you know it. It’s just not natural to be that comfortable in front of a camera. Ten minutes of video when you first arrive and then the camera goes back into the camera bag.

3. Trudy. If your brother and sister want to come, they can be on time like everyone else. If they are late again this year, they can eat what the dogs don’t finish.

4. Rhonda. It’s my oven and once again I’ll be using it right up until mealtime. If you can’t bring something that doesn’t require heating, then don’t bring anything at all.

5. Mary. Your kid’s dirty shoes and my clean sofa have never met. Let’s keep it that way.

6. If you are a meat-eater, try a vegetable for your health. If you are a vegetarian, try the stuffing for the bacon. Either way, you’ll be cured of what ails you.

7. If I see one grandchild doing that texting stuff, there will be no pie for dessert. If I see one parent checking email… scratch that – new rule. Leave your cell phone in your car. They used to be called mobile phones for a reason. Now-a-days the only thing mobile about your phone is your thumbs. Trust me. Skinny thumbs and a fat ass are not a good look.

8. Jonathan. How a Republican ended up in this family is beyond me, but we love you all the same. That said, Reagan is dead darling. Get over it.

9. I cooked the meal. Your grandfather paid for it. You can clean the kitchen and we’ll call it even.

10. Honestly, if you insist on bringing anything, bring some butter. I go through about 20 sticks to get this meal on the table and I might as well start stocking up for Christmas now.

11. Marshall. I am sure you believe that your children sing beautifully. Don’t put me in a situation where I have to make you question your beliefs.

12. Grandpa Harold says if the Longhorns win, the bar is open. If they lose, the party is BYOB.

via Thanksgiving Letter to the Family 2009 « Margaret and Helen.

Now that is some seriously funny stuff; no matter what your politics are. 😀

Lou Dobbs on the Daily Show

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I’m shocked that AllahPundit did not cover this. But anyhow, here’s the three part interview of Lou Dobbs over at the Daily Show. (Content Warning: Language!)

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive – Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes		Political HumorHealth Care Crisis
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive – Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes		Political HumorHealth Care Crisis
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive – Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 3
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes		Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Media Matters to Newsweek: Hey, Stop with the sexist articles on Sarah Palin

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I do believe that there is a blizzard in hell right about now.

Ho-ly Tol-freakin-ledo! 😯

There are a lot of legitimate reasons to criticize Sarah Palin, her new book, and her policies, but you don’t have to stoop to sexism to do it. Newsweek’s November 23 issue, however, does just that by publishing on its cover a photo of Palin in short running shorts and a fitted top, leaning against the American flag. Making matters worse is the equally offensive headline Newsweek editors chose to run alongside the photo — “How Do You Solve a Problem like Sarah?” — presumably a reference to the Sound of Music song, “Maria,” in which nuns fret about “how” to “solve a problem like Maria,” a “girl” who “climbs trees” and whose “dress has a tear.”

Where did I happen to read this? ——- Media Research Center? NewsBusters? Michelle Malkin? Nope! Try Media Matters for America. 😮

I was out earlier; I didn’t notice a full moon anywhere. Planet’s aligned? Something got into Julie’s water? Something got into my water? (!)

Another Black Conservative agrees with me; that hell is definitely frozen solid.

Even Shakesville isn’t happy about it. That’s it; I’m going to check to make sure that little green aliens haven’t landed and warped the Blogosphere into some odd parallel universe….or something.

A Good Bitch Slap Does a Woman Good!

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Heh…. I’m gonna catch it for that. But, hey, I am one of those asshole right wingers. I gotta live up to the hype! 😛

Click the picture to slap the bitch.

bitch

Here’s a little music to put you on the right frame of mind: (and this is so going to kill my creds as a White racist bigot right winger too….)

(H/T Dan)

Others: Sociological Images,  Feministe, Gawker and Feministing

Debbie Schlussel vs Pamela Geller

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Please note: This posting is entirely satire and not to be taken seriously by all parties mentioned. If you do, you might hurt yourself.

Note: Photo removed… It seems that Debbie is on the war path against people using her photo… 🙄

It seems that local Detroit, Michigan area Blogger Debbie Schlussel and Pamela Geller are at it. Go here to read about it.

I propose a mud wrestling match; to be held in a neutral spot; say maybe Robert Stacy McCain‘s backyard. At the end, we’ll just throw in Robert Spencer for good measure.  I would volunteer my own backyard; but it is much too small for all that craziness.

Of course, I would handle the concessions; being that bastard capitalist that I am.  I could just see that now:

“Programs, get your programs… You can’t tell a Kippah from Schvitz without a program!”


It is official: David Harsanyi is useless

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Next time someone calls me a grumpy old goat, I’m showing ’em this:

Not long ago, Meghan McCain, maverick progeny and rising media star (due, no doubt, to her impressive intellectual gifts) posted a cleavage-intense picture of herself on her Twitter account.

“For years,” the 25-year-old would later lament, “I have struggled to accept the fact that the way I look in a tank top comes off more ‘Sexual’ than a flat-chested woman.”

First, let’s all agree on the obvious: a nation that fails to deal with the deep-seated struggles of busty young blondes is a nation that fails us all.

Then feel free to wonder why an intelligent young woman feigns astonishment when her candid shot creates a hubbub online after she disseminated the shot to 76,000 followers. Isn’t that the point of posting on Twitter? Highlighting everything? Even your socio-political thoughts on cup sizes?

Twitter’s popularity and usefulness are a mystery to me. Pressed by personal, professional and cultural forces, I sporadically deploy short missives for fear of becoming one of those cantankerous technophobes who is too dense to recognize the miracle of letting “followers” know I hate raisins or that I loved the finale of “Mad Men.”

Now, not only am I expected to transmit this minutiae mere seconds after I think it, some 20-year-old in California has decreed that I must do it within the brevity of 140 characters. This need for conciseness, in fact, induces normally articulate friends of mine to write in Prince lyrics — recklessly using “2” and “4” and “U” as words.

via Harsanyi: C’mon, admit it. Twitter is useless – The Denver Post.

Man, talk about an “out of touch” old goat! good grief! Get that man a Victrola and a bottle of ensure and a good hearing aid!  I happen to love Twitter. I’m on there, everyday. Twitter comes into it’s own during disasters, terrorist attacks or major breaking stories. Not to mention, twitter came in extremely handy during a the uprising in Iran. So, this whole notion that twitter is useless, is nothing more baseless nonsense. Truth be told, this is nothing more another ad-hominem attack on twitter, from someone who is a member of the old deadwood media; which is being slowly being phased out. The man is feeling the heat and is afraid to losing his paycheck. So, he attacks Twitter. It works and appeals to those who share in his short-sighted viewpoint, but it makes him look like quite the “out of touch” elitist to those of us, who actually use twitter.

The problem with that, is it makes him and all the rest of the so-called Journalists look very small. Instead of criticizing it, why not try using it? Criticizing something that is useful to everyone else in the rest of the world; except you, makes you look very small. The reasoning for it, defies my ability to understand it. So, everyone else is dumb and you are smart? No, everyone else is smart and you are a backward old fool; who most likely too stupid to know how to even run a Computer; much less a cellphone. Which brings me to another point. I am almost certain that back in the day, when computers were making their debut on the market that some older gents were dismissing them as a fad, that would pass. Needless to say, I am quite thankful that the critics were wrong. Computers liberated me to be able to write. This is coming from someone who has A.D.H.D. and has horrific handwriting. Computers and Blogging were a God-send.  I do not claim to be perfect at it; but I am getting better at it everyday!

In sort; consider the source. 😀

(H/T HotAir Headlines)

Opportunistic Bovine Tripe

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I think I have seen it all now…:

We know absolutely no one in Bush family circles and have never met former President George W. Bush or his wife Laura.

If you have been reading us for any length of time, you know that we used to make fun of “Dubya” nearly every day…parroting the same comedic bits we heard in our Democrat circles, where Bush is still, to this day, lampooned as a chimp, a bumbling idiot, and a poor, clumsy public speaker.

Oh, how we RAILED against Bush in 2000…and how we RAILED against the surge in support Bush received post-9/11 when he went to Ground Zero and stood there with his bullhorn in the ruins on that hideous day.

We were convinced that ANYONE who was president would have done what Bush did, and would have set that right tone of leadership in the wake of that disaster. President Gore, President Perot, President Nader, you name it. ANYONE, we assumed, would have filled that role perfectly.

Well, we told you before how much the current president, Dr. Utopia, made us realize just how wrong we were about Bush. We shudder to think what Dr. Utopia would have done post-9/11. He would have not gone there with a bullhorn and struck that right tone. More likely than not, he would have been his usual fey, apologetic self and waxed professorially about how evil America is and how justified Muslims are for attacking us, with a sidebar on how good the attacks were because they would humble us.

Honestly, we don’t think President Gore would have been much better that day. The world needed George W. Bush, his bullhorn, and his indominable spirit that day…and we will forever be grateful to this man for that.

via Thank you former President George W. Bush and former First Lady Laura Bush « HillBuzz.

It is a very interesting read; It all sounds nice and pretty — that is until you hear the reality of it. If you think for one minute that the people that wrote the above and what is over at that link are really sincere about that; I have land to sell you for extremely cheap in Texas —- in a swamp. The only motivation for this idiotic bunch of Bovine Tripe that was written here is the following; their allegiance to Hillary Clinton.  HillBuzz is simply a group of Homosexual Hillary Supporters; that are a still bitter because Barack Obama kicked Shillary’s fat ass in the 2008 Primary.

So, while it may sound nice, pretty and — dare I even say it? Patriotic. (Uh, Gag, Puke) It is simply a piece written to kick dirt in the face of Barack Obama for daring to defeat Hillary Clinton. So, please, do not buy the hype on this entry. Because if it would have been Hillary that won. These guys would be still trashing Bush. In other words; Nice try guys, but not all of us in the political blogging world are that dumb to believe that you actually now love Bush. 🙄

Pardon Me Mr. Raghead, May I see some ID Please?

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That’s about what it has come to, isn’t it?

A Marine reservist armed with a tire iron beat and chased a man he thought was an Arab terrorist and even called 911 to say he was detaining the man, police said.

But the man he assaulted was actually a Greek Orthodox priest visiting from overseas who spoke limited English, police said.

That’s why police arrested reservist Jasen D. Bruce on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Police said they’re also investigating whether Bruce, 28, committed a hate crime.

via Tampa police: Marine reservist attacked Greek priest he mistook for terrorist – St. Petersburg Times.

Oops. Honest mistake. To say that he overreacted; would be an understatement.

Then officers went to Bruce’s apartment to speak to the reservist again. But he already had an attorney with him and refused to speak, police said.

The priest was treated and released from the hospital.

Records show Bruce was released from the Hillsborough County jail at 8 a.m. Tuesday on $7,500 bond. His occupation is listed as sales manager of a Palm Harbor pharmacy.

Good on him for getting the Lawyer. Wonder if he has been sneaking some of “Mother’s little helpers” for himself? —-  and Gay Modeling?!??! Ew!

Crowder exposes some seriously dumb people

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This comes via AllahPundit over HotAir.com of whom I have not linked to in a few days. Having your blog hits go from 722 to oh, like 6,567 in like a day; has the sort of an effect, I guess.   I mean, I wanted fame; but not like that.

Anyhow, this video is funny and spookier than crap at the same time. This is California… So, we must grade them on the curve —- of course, in California’s case, that curve is more like the side of a mountain.

Why I pulled the post on Cao

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Quite frankly, I did not want my server to crash. Plus, I know how the left likes to play the whole McCarthyism game with those who they find offensive.

So to stop the madness. I pulled it.

Quite frankly, I find all this head-exploding nonsense to be quite humorous.

But hey, I made Andrew Sullivan. So, I’m doing something right… 😀

An Obama Funny

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(Via E-mail)

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” Barack said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my special airplane.”

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.”

Barack said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

Cartoons of the Day

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See No Evil?

See No Evil?

For more fun visit the website/blog at www.diversitylane.com or go directly to the blog at www.diversitylane.wordpress.com.


Bill O’Reilly’s Talking Points: Why Obama should hire me

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Yes, he did say that.

(H/T Comcast Video)

Now Honestly, does Bill O. really believe that the Obama Administration would take him up on the offer? I doubt it. But it does make for some lighthearted commentary…. and considering what we have had to report as of late; a little humor is okay.

Of course, the Liberals will not get this at all. They never do.

Now, h

Don’t mince words now

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Seen over at Ace’s:

Obama and the Democrats don’t ask much. Only that Republicans take the political hit for their political program so that they can vote the safe Republican way on it.

This has nothing to do with health care per se. What is really being asked here is not that Republicans “help” with ObamaCare, but that Republicans actually assist Democrats in being elected in 2010.

Um, I personally am going to have to go ahead and decline that particular request. That seems to me — and pardon me if I am a bit rude about this — to be you all’s fucking problem, and not ours.

Damn. Thought I was grumpy old cuss. 😯 😮 😛 😉 😀 😆

(H/T to Little Miss Whatsherface)

Cartoons of the Day

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Emergensea?

Emergensea?

<p>Grave Situation?</p>

Grave Situation?

For more fun visit the website/blog at www.diversitylane.com or go directly to the blog at www.diversitylane.wordpress.com.

For more fun, check out Baloo’s Cartoon Blog

.

It is official: Keith Olbermann is a pussy

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Oh Wow:

MSNBC boasted that on election night they would present a “special live edition of Countdown” at 10:00 pm. But with bad news for the Democrats in Virginia and New Jersey, a funny thing happened on the way to the bonus Hour of Spin. Keith wasn’t there! After a live update (not from Olby but from Lawrence O’Donnell) A-Mess-NBC (“the place for politics”) proceeded to rerun the 8:00 pm showing.

via Olbermann Watch – MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann: Where in the World Was Keith Olbermann?.

There is an unconfirmed rumor that he was somewhere in central park, sodomizing a small boy. But that’s just a rumor…. and we don’t report unfounded rumors around here…. much.

Others: Weekly Standard, Townhall.com and National Review Online

Robert Stacy McCain flips his cork

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In public no less…:

UPDATE II: While I was working on the first update, about 10 p.m., the phone rang here at the National Desk in Watertown. It was Dave Weigel of the Washington Independent, asking about our plans for a bit of post-deadline socializing. And I freaking lost it.

Some of my friends may remember my newsroom blowup in 2007, when I cussed out Ken Hanner and kicked a steel door open on my way out of the Washington Times. Persuaded to reconsider, I eventually quit on good terms in January 2008.

OK, I’m hell on deadline. And my own shortcomings and sins are so glaringly obvious that it’s hard for me to blame anyone else for my problems. I goof off and procrastinate when opportunity affords. But when deadline hits, I get kind of crazy. So this was all my fault. Mea culpa.

Still, sometimes, I get that Rodney Dangerfield don’t-get-no-respect feeling and, under pressure, I can be even more of a total jerk than usual. Think of General Patton slapping that shell-shock case in Sicily.

So I had a screaming conniption. Impatient by nature, what I wanted to do at that moment in time was to finish the update, so that readers would have context in which to interpret the video. What I did not want to do was to answer the phone and have to think about the questions that Dave Weigel was asking about our post-deadline party plans.

Present at the time in the smoke-filled hotel room that is the National Desk were Ali Akbar, Kerry Picket and Hooah Mac. Surely, one of them would do me the favor of taking the phone and dealing with Weigel’s questions. Uh . . . no. Because nobody owes me any favors.

And I freaking lost it. At one point in the two-minute rant that ensued, I was quite literally frothing at the mouth. A lifetime of personal frustration exploded upon friends who were innocent. For this unseemly tantrum, I apologize to all who were forced to witness it. Mea culpa.

However, next time I ask someone to please answer the phone while I’m on deadline — I pray to God — just answer the phone. That Jekyll-and-Hyde horror show was more frightening to me than it was to you, my victims. My wife will bake you brownies to compensate, and will never let me live it down.

via The Other McCain: NY23: Hoffman is asked to react to Limbaugh’s Dede ‘bestiality’ comment.

You know, we really need to get that guy on the patch and maybe even some Prozac. It could only help. What? Why are you looking me like that for? I’m as calm as cucumber, the sharpest spoon in the drawer, The —- okay, I’ll stop while I’m ahead. 😉

Islamic Militants discover new foe, bears!

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Oh, this is almost too funny to believe!

This comes via the BBC:

A-Bear-RoaringTwo other militants escaped, one of them badly wounded, after the attack in Kulgam district, south of Srinagar.

The militants were armed with AK-46s but were taken by surprise – police found the remains of pudding they had made to eat when the bear attacked.

It is thought to be the first such incident since Muslim separatists took up arms against Indian rule in 1989.

[…]

AIA048The militants had made their hideout in a cave which was actually the bear’s den, said police officer Farooq Ahmed.

The dead have been identified as Mohammad Amin alias Qaiser, and Bashir Ahmed alias Saifullah.

News of the attack emerged when their injured comrade went to a nearby villageRoaringBear-main_Full for treatment.

“Word spread in the village that Qaiser had been killed by the bear,” another police officer said.

A joint party of the police and army personnel went into the forest and collected the bodies of the two militants.

Police say they also recovered two AK-46 rifles and some ammunition from the hideout.

Can you just imagine that little scene for a minute? Those guys sitting in the cave; talking all about Terrorism and how that Muslims must dominate the world. —- “Allah Akbar! We Muslims must fight, we mus ——- Aaaaahhh!  Bear! Run for your lives!”

Oh Man, that’s pee in the pants funny!

I guess the true moral of this story is; if you want to get your Jihad on, don’t do it in a bear cave. Because the last time I checked, Bears are not Muslim — just usually hungry.

Others covering this rather funny story: The Jawa Report and JammieWearingFool