Sunday Funnies

Posted onAuthorPatrick

I have an AOL where jokes are delivered to me daily.  I have yet to find something to do with them; so, I thought I would cut and paste them here.

Enjoy….

The funny begins after the jump:

—-

Humorous Thoughts and Questions

~ A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick

in the rear.
~ A woman’s work is never done. So why bother?
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a

while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
~ Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

That’s actually what caused many of their deaths…pillow

fights.
~ Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
~ Can you believe how many award shows they have now?

It seems there’s an award show for everything. They even

have awards for commercials! The Clio Awards, a whole

show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded

through the whole thing.

~ Computer message I’d like to see: Smash forehead on

keyboard to continue.
~ Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive

by again?
~ Don’t follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
~ Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal

—————

Going Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped
quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where
my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, “The
weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 20 years replied, “Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I’ve
stopped fishing.

——
FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING
AT YOUR DESK

NUMBER 5: “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

NUMBER 4: “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in

the time-management course you sent me to.”

NUMBER 3: “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You

probably got here just in time!”

NUMBER 2: “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards

when you put your ear down real close?”

NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) “…in Jesus’ name, Amen”

——
Programs vs. Operating Systems

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly
in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation
8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

——-

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try
entering the command

C:// I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is
a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav
files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or
reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Joyce at Tech Support

—————
Outside Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a
form stating that we had not received any outside
assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a
student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then
said, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not
assist you.”

———-
Texas Poll
The latest poll taken by the Texas Governor’s office
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal
immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
71% of respondents answered” “No es una problema seriosa.”

——————–
Jury Excuse
“Please, Your Honor, I’d like to be excused from jury duty,” pleaded an anxious-looking man.

“Why should I excuse you?” asked the judge.

“You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he’s leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He’ll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him.”

“Excused,” stated the judge coldly. “We don’t want anyone on the jury who can lie like that.”

————————-

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked,
“How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him.

“Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

——————
Misinterpretations
~ I remember my father-in-law loved to sing “The Old Rubber Cross.”

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this

prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could
hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us
our mattresses.”

~ When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who

are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was
God’s real name.

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into

temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

~ My mother spent her early childhood praying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in

Heaven, how didja know my name?”

~ I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.”

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was

“He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under
Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we
still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.

Part of the chorus was “And the rains came down, and the floods came
up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always
sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the
rains came down, and the spuds came up.”

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the

church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion,
he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives
you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock
years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you
get to your seat.”
———
While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man
in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters
WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for “What
would Jesus do?” and that the idea is to get people to consider this
question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, “I don’t think he’d pay

$17.95 for that hat.”
————–
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there
anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with
your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

————
A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they
had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of
sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying,
“This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to

pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?”

he asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his

wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
—————–
The Villages

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in “The
Villages,” a Florida adult community.

A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the
bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger
here?”

He replies, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“Why did they put you in prison?”

He looks at her and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh!” says the woman. “So you’re single?”

——————
Newspaper Corrections
~  IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds
of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky
Diving book, please make the following correction: on
page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have
read “pull rip cord.”

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is

T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher
Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks

ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party
at crap shooting.  It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the

information in the update on our Deep Relaxation
professional development program. First, the program
will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental.

~ In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter

Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the
department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed
“Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr.

Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force.
This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of
course, a detective on the police farce.

~ In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of

Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name
is Lee Iacacca.  The Gazette regrets the error.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s

wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.”
I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word
“sheep.”

~ In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate

number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette
Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The
recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie

Branton, which was announced in this paper a few
weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
———————
BECAUSE I’M A MAN,

when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire

long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man,

when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood

and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
“I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where
to start.”

Because I’m a man,

when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup

and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re
a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this
isn’t a problem.

I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the

store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these
are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances
expect me to pick up anything for which ‘feminine hygiene
product’ is a euphemism.

Because I’m a man,

when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist

on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man,

I must hold the television remote control in my hand

while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may
miss a whole show looking for it (although one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a man,

I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we

should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where
we’re going?

Because I’m a man,

there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The

answer is always either cars, food, or football. I always
have to make up something else when you ask, so just
don’t ask.

Because I’m a man,

I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother

come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t
forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man,

you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances

are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man,

I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you

were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man,

I will share equally in the housework. You just do the

laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.
——————-
The C-NILE Virus
This virus appears to affect only those people who
were born before 1956

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. … done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! … that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. … yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you….
who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. … well fooey!
6. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ before you’ve finished. … OH NO, not
again!
7. Causes you to hit ‘DELETE’ instead of ‘SEND.’ … and I just hate
that!
8. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ when you should ‘DELETE.’ … Oh NO!!!

It is called the C-NILE virus. WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN?

——————
A Night on the Town

My friend’s wife returned from a tour of duty in the Middle East.

To celebrate, he decided to take her out for a night on the town.

Proud of her service record, he suggested she wear her uniform.

Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from

them, but an appreciative citizen paid for her meal at the

restaurant, and the theater manager upgraded their balcony

seats to the orchestra.

At the end of the evening, my friend turned to his wife. “I still

get credit for taking you out, right?”

———————-

Rattlesnake Ammo

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That
summer, the area had experienced an infestation of
rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one
magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger,
as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting,

supposedly, at snakes that the post commander
demanded that every officer and NCO who had
shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof
that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his

office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He
opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very
live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended
cartridges, and a short note. The note said, “I missed!”
————————
Pickup Line
My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating
for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who
was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet.
He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick
me up.

Ever the geek, Hans naïvely replied, “I just used a regular

56K modem.”
———————–
Cute Baby
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician
for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute
baby.”

Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really

cute.”

“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.

“He looks just like you.”

——————————-
Cold Water
A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he
questioned Grandpa, “Are these plates clean?”

Grandpa replied, “Those plates are as clean as

cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his

grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again,
“Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his hamburger, the

grandfather huffed, “I told you before, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them,
now stop being so picky!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get

dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving,
Grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let
him pass. He yelled back, “Grandpa, your dog won’t
let me out!”

So Grandpa shouted, “COLD WATER, GET OUT

OF THE WAY!”
——————-
Her Favorite Candy
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy
picked it up. She said, “No,” and slammed it down.

“Who was that?”

“Some boy for Carolyn,” she said, referring to our

daughter.

Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, “KitKat,”

and hung up.

“What now?” I asked.

“A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted

to know what her favorite candy is. He’s going to put
the invitation into a candy basket.”

The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.

“But, Mom,” our daughter protested when she heard the
story, “KitKat isn’t my favorite candy.”

“I know,” Nancy said. “It’s mine.”

——————————————
“Whacha doin’ today?”
My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

—————-
Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure
anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with
what he could do – everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this

‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody
special. When it was time for his appointment he
told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I’ve lost my sense of
taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to

himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you
need is jar number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told

Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately
spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled.
“Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr.
Thompson,” said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went
home…. very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to

the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake,
by complaining of a new problem. “Doc,” he started,
“I can’t remember anything!”
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as
the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little,
and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number
47, it’s……”

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.

Thompson was cured and fled the room!